Was There A Man?
by kahkas
Summary: Ben tries to make sense of Jennifer Carlisle's sudden reintroduction into his life. Some of Ben's thoughts during and following the season 11 episode "Is There Any Man Here?"


Ben was sitting in his leather chair by a dying fire, rotating an empty glass between his thumbs and fingers. It was well after midnight. Creases of fatigue and stress were firmly established on his countenance. His dark eyes were a mix of sadness and confusion. The boys had gone up to bed hours ago and the brandy in his glass disappeared shortly afterwards. He knew it was going be a long night. Sleep was the last thing on his mind.

Earlier in the day, he had gone into town for the wedding of Jennifer Carlisle and Tuttle Ames. Though awkward, he felt a sense of obligation. He was able to speak with Jennifer privately just prior to the ceremony and deliver his wedding gift to her. He struggled to keep his composure when she asked him to help her with the necklace he had given her, being so physically near her and yet knowing within minutes she would become another man's wife. However, much to everyone's surprise, the ceremony came to an abrupt end when Jennifer fainted before the vows were completed. When Ben came out of the hotel after a second failed attempt at a wedding for this couple, he told Hoss and Joe in his usual 'no nonsense' manner that they all needed to get back to the business of running their ranch.

Yet Ben had been unable to focus on anything other than Jennifer for the remainder of the day. Sensing that their father had a lot on his mind, his sons had eaten their supper quietly and gone about their evening activities with very little conversation. Ben sat in his chair trying to do some reading, but the vision of Jennifer lying on her bed in her hotel room after fainting kept running through his mind. She looked so beautiful in her wedding gown, but yet fragile and frightened. It concerned him greatly because this so unlike the self-assured Jennifer he knew. When she told him that she was going away for a time, he had agreed that it was for the best. Still, his aching heart was a twisted mix of protection and caring and worry as he placed a prolonged kiss on the brow of the little girl of years gone by that was now a very desirable woman. He had paused at the door before leaving, wishing...hoping...praying that she would trust him enough to tell him why she had allowed herself to be caught in such a crazy, mixed-up drama.

A flicker of a smile came to his lips remembering the day she showed up unannounced at the ranch. He was ecstatic to see the not so 'Little Jenny'. She had come to join her father, Harry, who was at the Ponderosa to test a pump that he had devised for ridding mines of excess water. Eventually it came out that Jennifer had been engaged to an ambitious young businessman by the name of Tuttle Ames. Always accustomed to getting what he wanted in life, Tuttle was determined to have her for his wife. After coming to the realization that the marriage would be intolerable, Jennifer had left her arrogant fiance' standing at the altar. Of course, Tuttle had pressed her for the reason. Ben soon found out by way of a court summons.

_Why would Jennifer tell Tuttle that she was going to marry me? And why would he press charges against me? Ridiculous! Harry this is your fault. Jennifer needed someone to be strong. Oh I know it's hard to carry on and raise a child without a wife. Believe me, I know that all too well. But after all, Jennifer is YOUR daughter... That's right Cartwright, that's right. Blame someone else for your lack of fortitude. Who is the man here? What were you thinking when you let her convince you that this was "our time". Jennifer were you still acting on a childhood infatuation? You, that bright, adorable little girl I loved to spend time with when I visited San Francisco so many years ago, now all grown up...too grown up. And that evening on the porch...you caught me totally off guard. An innocent kiss, but then suddenly there were more. Ohhh your kisses were sweet! You made me want you...want more. And then the picnic the next day...spending time alone...just being near you...holding your hand and more kisses._

Ben sighed and closed his eyes as he subconsciously inhaled her perfume. He felt his body stir with the memory of her in his arms. And yet he had tried to keep his wits about him, and tried to talk her out of the idea of marriage, saying that he was far too old for her. She would hear none of it, certain that her love for him was greater than any age barrier. So then, after a sleepless night he informed the boys that he was going to ask Jennifer to marry him. They just laughed and said they knew it all along and were just waiting for him to realize it. But when he tried to make it official and offered her an engagement ring, Jennifer said that she could not accept it. She was going to marry Tuttle after all.

Once again, Ben envisioned Jennifer lying on the bed in her wedding gown, looking so lovely, and he began thinking that she should have worn on their wedding day. His mind wandered where he knew it should not go. He shook his head as if trying to rid himself of such thoughts.

_You're a lonely old fool, Cartwright. You must have lost your mind to think that it could have ever worked. Oh Adam, I needed you here to knock some sense into me. Your younger brothers let me down. Oh...I know they just wanted me to be happy, but what were they thinking? God, what was I thinking? And just when I allowed the prospect of loving again to enter my soul, she ran away...back to him...without explanation. Jennifer...Jennifer...Why couldn't you trust me? Surely it has to be more than just the fickleness of youth. Why Jennifer? Why?_

_Be a man, Cartwright. Move on. Just move on. You've done it before. You can do it again. She's young and has her whole life ahead of her. She'll figure it out without your help._

Shifting his weight forward in his chair, Ben set his glass down on the coffee table and clasped his hands together. He sucked in a deep breath and then slowly released it_. _His head dropped and came to rest on his large hands. He prayed for peace of heart and for the strength to carry on and to be the man that he knew he must be.


End file.
